Advent Day 12: When I just cannot

The world feels exhausting today.

To be fair, I think that’s mainly because I am actually physically exhausted. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and haven’t been able to get back to sleep. I’ve been sitting out here in my living room since 5:15, drinking tea and mulling over the readings for today. I’ve got a bunch of running around to do today and am cringing as I think about it.

I find the readings for today exhausting too. In the book of Amos, God is promising destruction. In the psalm, we’re talking about the evil and the righteous. In the book of Revelation, more destruction. And in the Gospel reading, Jesus is mad at religious hypocrites again. Aren’t we all.

I just feel like: I got nothing. I can’t rouse my passion or my anger or my hope or my curiosity. I can’t contribute right now because the coffers are empty.

So this morning I’m letting the church pray and read and sing and I’m going to listen  – literally – via an audio version of today’s morning prayer (in the tradition of the Episcopal Church.) If I were actually sitting in a chapel with other people, I would totally be sitting there listening to everyone else do the work of sitting and standing and speaking and singing. That’s the kind of space I’m in right now.

And that’s ok. It’s the reciprocal nature of community in Christ: give and take, serve and be served, carry and be carried.

Today I’m being carried. Thanks be to God.

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